Our star columnist has his say about ban of dogs on parts of Southwold’s beach

I are sorry to start the Noo Near with Complaints to the Management but I does have no actual choice.

I like beaches. I really wheely like beaches in winter. Most of all I like Southwold beach. In winter there are no small people making piles of sand and it's-a-castle-and-you've-trodded-on-it-you-oaf. The sea is all quite very angry and noisy and I can do zoomie running around and fortful checking that the sea still tastes disgustering. On nice days in winter, billions of peoples walk along somefing called the Prom and Hard. A Prom and Hard is a posh name for a concrete path where people can pretend they are at the seaside and hignore the sand and the sea. Wot I always fort was the whole point of the beach but happarently I've got that all wrong. So long as hoomans can smell the sea and hear it, they don't need to do running about on the sand or tasting the sea. I fink they must know that it always tastes disgustering cos they all stay up on that concrete shelf fing and laugh at me checking again. And again. Peoples with hexpensive shoes wot are scared of sand and water all do walking along the Prom and Hard. After they has dunned smelling the sea and hearing it crash about they find a nice place to have cuppateas and shout at the seagulls wot are trying to pinch their chips. According to the hoomans this is all very exerlent fun.

On not nice days, people with dogs still go to the beach and do walking and fortful finking. Then they stop to have cuppateas and the peoples in the cafes are quite very pleased to see them because it's quiet in the winter and they still have to do paying their bills. Wot you can honly do if you gives people cuppateas. Hanyway... Now I has founded out that someboddedy Himportant wants to stop dogs going on the beach near the cuppateas. So this means that all the dogs are going to have to do walking along the Prom and Hard. With the buggies and the wheelchairs. And the shoes wot are scared of the sand. The honly people who would want to be on the beach are the peoples with the dogs and they'll be the honly ones who won't actual be allowed.

Fortunately, it isn't only Worzel Wooface who finks this and some peoples have started a Pee-Tishon which is when lots of people sign a bit of paper and when it gets heavy enough they go and bonk the Himportant people over the head with it. I has had a cunning plan. Instead of getting biffed on the head by a Pee-Tishon, I fink

the Himportant peoples should

do wot I do and go to

the beach and walk

along and do some fortful finking about whether this is a good idea. It's very quiet most of the time, especially on the not-so-nice-days.

There's usually honly three men. And a dog.

? To sign the petition, visit www.change.org/p/waveney-district-council-and-southwold-town-council-call-to-reconsider-banning-dogs-from-southwold-beach-year-round