PUBLISHED: 10:48 25 January 2008 | UPDATED: 19:31 05 July 2010

Emma Delf gives you her frank and amusing views on Soapland this week...

YOU give a Dingle an inch and they respond by taking your tape measure. The ferocious speed with which the ill-conceived and often illegal notions of a card-carrying Dingle can spiral out of control is very much apparent this week.

Unusually though the culprit is mild-mannered Sam, whose complete devotion to his son is rivalled only by the royal treatment lavished on his burgeoning chicken colony. Perhaps though, our sympathy for Sam might be coming to an end as he succumbs to a bout of reckless decision- only what a soap character would be capable of. He begins this week by taking young Samson to work with him. As anyone who has ever been left horror-stricken by watching one of those 1980s films shown in schools knows, farms are dangerous places for kids. And you should never retrieve your kite from electricity wires either. While Lisa and Zak make him see sense, he catches a whiff of Dingle conspiracy with Lisa giving Samson a bath being the last straw - the cheek! Upset by the fact their farm currently houses fewer than 50 family members, Zak and Lisa hope to get custody of Samson. No sooner has the social worker had time to get her coat on than Sam's on the run, armed with stolen money and perhaps more bizarrely, a firearm 'for emergencies.'

In Weatherfield, the embroidered hankies are out again as it's time to bury Vera. It's a day for reflection and for speaking from the heart, or in Terry Duckworth's case, an excellent opportunity to try and get his hands on his mum and dad's property. Good 'ole Terry, you can always rely on him for a bit of criminal light relief. So if you're worried that Jack's eulogy will be even more of a tear-jerker than him sobbing with his pigeons, then sit back and enjoy Terry's arrival at the funeral where he promptly parks in the space reserved for the hearse and fails to recognise his own flesh and blood in the shape of son Paul. Without the maternal rantings of Vera, Jack is immune to Terry's schemes and concentrates instead on bringing Vera's ashes home to her final resting place - on the mantelpiece at number 9. It's what she would have wanted.

If you've had enough of the sombre speeches and touching scenes taking place in Soapland's terraced houses, you may want to look away now. Fresh from war with the hoodies, Dot is once again alone with her thoughts. And a tape recorder and some cigarettes. With Jim's return to the Square imminent, Dot collects her thoughts in her very own episode and comes to terms with the fact that, unable to care for invalid Jim, he'll join the ranks of the many people she's loved over the years who've all left her. So with Dot rattling around in an empty East End house, there's only one thing for it - the arrival of someone new for Dot to fret about. And if the screeching of tyres is anything to go by, she won't have to wait long.

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